{"id":54,"date":"2022-09-07T08:13:46","date_gmt":"2022-09-07T07:13:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.bath.ac.uk\/shew\/?p=54"},"modified":"2023-09-07T08:14:00","modified_gmt":"2023-09-07T07:14:00","slug":"being-childless-not-by-choice-personal-stories-from-members-of-staff","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.bath.ac.uk\/shew\/2022\/09\/07\/being-childless-not-by-choice-personal-stories-from-members-of-staff\/","title":{"rendered":"Being childless not by choice: personal stories from members of staff"},"content":{"rendered":"

The No Kidding group,<\/a> is an informal support network for University of Bath staff who are childless not by choice.<\/p>\n

The vast majority of people are childless by circumstance, not through choice. The following personal stories shared by members of staff identify some of the complex reasons for childlessness.<\/p>\n

Personal story 1<\/strong><\/p>\n

Jody Day talks about \u201850 ways not to be a mother\u2019, illustrating the many and complex reasons that can contribute to childlessness. For me, that outcome has roots that stem back several years before my husband and I decided to try and start a family. For many years I felt ambivalent about motherhood and didn\u2019t realise until too late that we really did want to start a family. I was unknowingly misinformed about how fertility declines with age, including by my GP. I somehow imagined motherhood would \u2018just happen\u2019 one day if we made the choice to try.<\/p>\n

In my early thirties I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (M.E.), which made the prospect of becoming a parent feel impossible, as I struggled to regain my health. It took me around three years to learn to manage my health condition, which gradually improved with very careful management and treatment, and significant adjustments to my work pattern. So it wasn\u2019t until our mid-thirties that it felt possible to try to start a family. There was still a lot of doubt about how it would affect my health. I certainly didn\u2019t expect the journey that followed.<\/p>\n

When pregnancy didn\u2019t \u2018just happen\u2019, I went to my GP who was prompt in referring us to a fertility clinic. The process of referral and diagnosis still took several months. With a diagnosis of \u2018unexplained subfertility\u2019, we went through several years of fertility treatment, including medication (with side effects that severely impacted my mental health) and two rounds of IVF. The first round of IVF was unsuccessful. The second resulted in a very brief pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. During these years, I felt like I was leading a double life. At work, each day felt like \u2018putting on a mask\u2019 to face the day. Beneath the surface I struggled with extremes of anxiety and grief. Maternity and new baby announcements were especially hard. I chose to share what I was going through with my managers and a close colleague. Thankfully, I had their support, which made it possible to keep going and function at work. Later, at the end of the fertility treatment journey, I shared with my immediate colleagues. This felt very vulnerable, but it felt impossible to hide behind the mask any longer. I couldn\u2019t come to work and simply pretend it hadn\u2019t happened.<\/p>\n

Of course, during this time, life\u2019s other challenges didn\u2019t go on holiday. In parallel to the fertility treatment, I faced family bereavements and caring for a loved one through ill health. There was a very marked contrast between the \u2018acknowledged grief\u2019 of parental bereavement, which most people can relate to, and the hidden grief of the childlessness journey, which remains unspoken.<\/p>\n

In the workplace, there was a difficult relationship with a colleague, and a department restructure where my team had to re-apply for job roles, with some redundancies; the type of things which can happen at work, but the resulting stress paled into insignificance compared to events in my personal life. I made my way through with a great deal of support: from family and close friends, with long running visits to a counsellor (with expertise in supporting childlessness) and at work with support from managers and close colleagues. But by the end of the fertility treatment journey, I felt extremely vulnerable. My confidence, both in and outside the workplace, was at an all-time low.<\/p>\n

Gradually, I\u2019ve been rebuilding a sense of self-worth. At work, the staff coaching service was extremely helpful for reflecting on my strengths and rebuilding confidence. Beyond, I joined the online Gateway Women community and discovered a new network of women with shared experiences. It has been a revelation to be able to hear from others and to recognise that the difficult, dark and complex emotions that come with childlessness grief are perfectly normal and are in fact a shared experience. I have taken part in World Childless Week to share aspects of my story through poetry, painting and writing, and I\u2019m gradually \u2018finding my voice\u2019 to express parts of my story more openly.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a journey in progress, but I\u2019m beginning to find purpose and enjoyment on this unchosen path. I hope that sharing these experiences will help others know that they are not alone, and that it is possible to talk about childlessness. It\u2019s a reality which affects a large minority of people. I am learning that it\u2019s ok to talk about it and in doing so, to let go of self-blame and shame. Connecting with others to acknowledge this reality can provide a great source of support and validation.<\/p>\n

Personal story 2<\/strong><\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t a very confident person \u2013 I was an anxious child who didn\u2019t believe in themselves, always worrying about my family and the possibility of something bad happening to them.\u00a0As an adult, the worrying continued. I had conflicting feelings \u2013 I loved the idea of having my own children but whenever I was faced with compliments about how good I was with children, or whenever I was confronted with any questions related to whether I wanted children, I would avoid answering and change the subject.\u00a0I didn\u2019t believe that the compliments I received were true. I also didn\u2019t believe in myself.\u00a0I didn\u2019t think that I would be a very good parent.<\/p>\n

However, a year after stopping the contraceptive pill, I got pregnant and I was so excited! It was totally unexpected as we weren\u2019t planning to start a family.<\/p>\n

During the very early stages of my pregnancy, I didn\u2019t feel that my husband really shared my excitement (years later we would discover that he was very ill and was diagnosed with PTSD and depression).\u00a0About eight weeks into my pregnancy, I had a miscarriage.\u00a0I was totally devastated.\u00a0After an operation and a week off sick from work, I started to rely on work to keep me going, as a distraction.\u00a0The following year I miscarried again, and again the year after that.\u00a0My husband and I had hospital appointments to find out why this was happening but he seemed so distant. The years went by and it didn\u2019t happen.<\/p>\n

My husband was really struggling generally. He had a breakdown and eventually lost his job.\u00a0We both struggled on for years but after eventually receiving help from mental health professionals (which was when he was diagnosed with PTSD and depression), his mental health began to improve. He was eventually well enough to start employment again, but by this time it was too late to have children.<\/p>\n

After struggling for years without really knowing why, I finally discovered the reason for my insecurities that started as a young child.\u00a0I too had depression and also General Anxiety Disorder (GAD).\u00a0Since being in a \u2018better place\u2019, I have been able to talk openly about my experience as childless and talking about it has helped massively with my grief and loss.\u00a0When my husband wasn\u2019t working, we were very fortunate to be able to adopt two rescue dogs.\u00a0They healed us both immensely.<\/p>\n

It still sometimes hurts when someone asks if I have children, but time heals and I am becoming more emotionally stable and able to answer random \u2018do you have any children\u2019 questions without bursting into tears or falling into a depression.\u00a0At work, I spent years feeling isolated and putting on a brave face or just avoiding situations.<\/p>\n

My advice to anyone struggling is to reach out and share your experiences and worries, no matter how daunting and hopeless it may seem.\u00a0It may not be obvious to anyone (as was my case) that you are struggling.\u00a0The important thing is to feel that you are being listened to and cared for.<\/p>\n

Personal story 3<\/strong><\/p>\n

My story starts like most couples wanting to start a family. I had all the hopes and dreams of having a little one that would look like his\/her mum and dad, dark curly hair and cute little dimples. I could already picture them in my mind.<\/p>\n

After several months of trying to conceive, I happened to stumble across an article that said if you\u2019re over 35 and have been trying to conceive for more than six months, consider speaking to your GP. I was very lucky to have a GP who was very understanding and willing to make a referral to the fertility clinic straightaway. I was aware this was not the case for many people in the same situation.<\/p>\n

After numerous checks and tests being carried out by the fertility clinic, I was told I had \u2018unexplained infertility\u2019 and that the best way forward would be for us to consider IVF. Never in a million years did I think we would end up there, and for a needle phobic like me, this was worst-case scenario! I decided I needed to have CBT sessions to help me overcome my needle phobia so that I could eventually inject myself with the IVF drugs. Desperate to fulfil my dream of becoming a mum, we embarked on the rollercoaster ride also known as IVF.<\/p>\n

Nobody could have prepared us for what lay ahead. The emotional impact far outweighed the daily injections and invasive treatments \u2212 it was all-consuming. I had convinced myself it would all be worth it and that our treatment(s) would eventually be successful, as that\u2019s what the media tells us with their \u2018IVF success stories\u2019, often resulting in twins.<\/p>\n

With IVF, you are aware of the exact moment of conception as you watch the implantation of your little fertilized embryo on the screen. For the next two weeks (known as the dreaded \u2018two week wait\u2019), the clinic advise you to behave as if you are pregnant, so avoiding certain food and drink, no heavy lifting etc. Once home we pinned the scan of our little embryos on the freezer and gave them cute nicknames. We started discussing baby names, potential pre-schools, changing the car, converting the spare room into a nursery \u2212 all the things normal parents-to-be plan and think about when expecting a baby.<\/p>\n

After unsuccessful treatments and a lot of heartbreak as the weeks turned into months and the months turned into years, it was becoming obvious that IVF was not going to be successful for us. My mental health was taking a battering and so was my husbands. He felt helpless. It was also having a big impact financially \u2212 IVF treatment is not cheap!<\/p>\n

What followed was an incredibly difficult time learning to deal with what was happening to us, and feeling incredibly alone and isolated whilst all those around me were successfully getting pregnant and having babies, sharing their happy news along with scan and new baby photos. During this time, I found an online forum called Fertility Friends. To say this forum was a lifeline would be an understatement. Suddenly my world opened up and I found hundreds of women and couples experiencing the same emotional rollercoaster.<\/p>\n

The forum supported me through another couple of years until eventually I stumbled across a post entitled \u201cHow do you know when enough is enough?\u201d.\u00a0 This struck a chord with me as my husband and I had been discussing when we should stop treatment and accept it wasn\u2019t going to happen for us, but I was really struggling with this decision as we still had several fertilized embryos frozen at the clinic. I read the blog and I could have cried; it was a small group of women all facing the same heart breaking decision. We supported each other with daily chat about the painful reality of living with infertility and having to put on a brave face and the \u2018happy mask\u2019 particularly at work while our own worlds were falling apart.<\/p>\n

Eventually my husband and I decided enough was<\/em> enough for our own sanity and for the sake of our relationship. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, but we were both getting older and the whole process had taken a massive toll on our mental health and our savings. We both signed the declaration form letting the clinic know that we had decided to end treatment. I cried so hard outside the clinic while my husband hand delivered the form to reception.\u00a0 It was a heart breaking end to our journey.<\/p>\n

Whilst in a pretty dark place emotionally, I heard from a friend about a woman called Jody Day, who had recently set up a support network called Gateway Women for women who are childless not by choice.\u00a0 My friend and I instantly joined the group and again, it was like a breath of fresh air, being amongst women feeling exactly like me! I no longer felt alone or isolated.<\/p>\n

I was very lucky to meet Jody in person at one of her talks in Bristol. Jody gave a very raw and emotional talk about her own personal journey through unexpected infertility. It was a very emotional event for everyone there but at the same time, it gave us all comfort knowing we were not alone. The support of Gateway Women guided me through an incredibly tough time in my life, a time I thought I\u2019d never recover from, when I couldn\u2019t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But like any grief, being childless not by choice takes time to come to terms with. You don\u2019t ever recover from it; you just learn to make space for it. It\u2019s like a scar \u2212 it\u2019s always there as a reminder but it never totally disappears, it just fades.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m now eight years on from making that final decision to stop trying for a baby and I can now finally say I\u2019m happy and content with my life again. It\u2019s been a very long process and things do still trip me up and trigger a painful memory. When that happens, I may have a cry and feel down for a couple of days, but then I get back up, dust myself down and onwards I go.<\/p>\n

To find out more about being childless not by choice and access additional information and support external to the University, visit\u00a0https:\/\/www.bath.ac.uk\/guides\/being-childless-not-by-choice\/<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The No Kidding group, is an informal support network for University of Bath staff who are childless not by choice. The vast majority of people are childless by circumstance, not through choice. The following personal stories shared by members of...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1544,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-54","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-employee-wellbeing"],"acf":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.bath.ac.uk\/shew\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.bath.ac.uk\/shew\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.bath.ac.uk\/shew\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.bath.ac.uk\/shew\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1544"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.bath.ac.uk\/shew\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=54"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.bath.ac.uk\/shew\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/54\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.bath.ac.uk\/shew\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=54"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.bath.ac.uk\/shew\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=54"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.bath.ac.uk\/shew\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=54"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}