Often as queer people we get asked “How was it when you came out?” and people usually mean when you first told your parents or friends. When you finally had the guts to have the Big Conversation.
And yes, this is the way it happens for some people, sitting down and having a big revelation, but it’s not the end of coming out. Every day in small ways queer people have to come out over and over again to the people they meet in a word which is geared to the heterosexual.
Every time a new person joins the team at work and they ask about your partner at the xmas do, you worry, will they react? To the man who runs the market stall you attend with your girlfriend and pay for her clothes. What might he be thinking?
To the barista who calls her your ‘friend’ – and you don’t know whether or not to correct them because, does it matter if they know? But it feels invalidating, makes your partnership seem less important, because the majority of people are assumed to be straight unless explicitly stated otherwise. This puts a lot of pressure on queer people. (This is why its important not to assume someone is straight because they present a certain way.)
It just would be really lovely if we, as a society, took off the heterosexual spectacles and tried to not make so many assumptions. In the current climate queer people still feel othered, and trying to make an effort to not assume certain things would go a long way to making inclusion feel possible.
Responses
Thank you for this! I feel this all the time having to constantly introduce my sexuality when all I want to do is talk about my family the same way the other person was in the conversation, then waiting for the awkward reactions. I think it is particularly painful having a child. I feel like I constantly hold my breath waiting for the dreaded Dad questions. x
Thank you for highlighting this Sophie. I completely agree that it would make such a difference if society took off the 'heterosexual spectacles' and approached people without those automatic assumptions. It would help create a more inclusive and understanding environment. x