This blog post is part of a series of posts written by specialist support staff from the University of Bath’s Sexual Violence and Domestic Abuse Response Service (SVDARS), as part of the UN's yearly 16 Days of Activism Campaign working to end gender-based violence.
The early stages of a new relationship can often feel exciting; at first glance frequent affection may make us feel special and wanted by the other person, especially if you are new to dating. However, you may start to feel confused between enjoying the initial stages of a relationship and being concerned about possible ‘red flags’ like love bombing. So how do we know what is love and what is love bombing?
What is love bombing?
Solace Women’s Aid describes love bombing as “when an abusive partner is bombarding ‘love’, which is part of emotional abuse and coercive control. It could include excessive affection, excessive compliments, declarations of love, gifts and praise. It may also be wanting to move quickly into a commitment because they ‘can’t live without you’ and promises of a perfect life together.”
A love bomber seeks to make you feel special and secure, however once trust is established manipulative behaviours can emerge to exert control over you and the relationship. This may involve affection being withheld from you, avoiding accountability for unhealthy behaviour or abandoning the relationship entirely.
Love bombing at the university may start like this:
Gifts – A gift, like flowers or something meaningful, now and again, can make us feel thought of. Showering someone with unexpected gifts at every date, and in front of your friends and housemates, can feel overwhelming. The meaning behind the gesture may feel lost and uncomfortable.
Compliments - Your partner may be continuously messaging you or spamming your socials with comments or declarations of love to gain public acceptance of the relationship, a little flattery can go a long way, but too much can feel suffocating.
and then lead to this:
Pressure to commit – Does your relationship feel like it’s moving at lightning speed? A person who love bombs wants to make it official and fast, convincing you they are the perfect partner. Being showered with gifts and affirmations may make it feel hard to say no to the commitment.
Jealousy – Your partner may want to often come along to nights out with friends or society events, often checking in on your location, who you are with, and could become upset or ‘get the hump’ if you have plans without them. They might use being concerned for your safety as a reason for this and could present unreasonable ultimatums to choose between them and your friends.
More information on how love bombing may manifest itself within a relationship can be found from the webpages by Relate, The Marylebone Project and What Is Love Bombing? 7 Signs To Look For by Cleveland Clinic.
Why can it be hard to spot?
In the beginning, love bombing can be hard to recognise as emotional abuse, as it mimics genuine affection and the natural ‘honeymoon phase’ of a relationship. Being showered with ‘love’ can make you feel good and might even temporarily boost your self-esteem. You may have friends telling you how ‘lucky’ you are, making it tricky to voice your concerns.
It may be helpful to ask yourself, are you happy with the pace of the relationship? Do you mind having frequent contact? Is something starting to feel ‘off’?
You may feel your lifestyle start to change – such as seeing friends less, feeling worried to say ‘no’ to your partner, or the commitment may feel too much too soon.
Remember, if something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, it probably isn’t.
Why is this harmful?
Love bombing can harm someone’s emotional well-being by diminishing their self-esteem and making them feel insecure through being conditioned to expect the highs and lows of the relationship. You may believe you’ve been tricked into the relationship, and it can feel incredibly painful to have someone who showered you with affection suddenly change their behaviour.
This can lead to confusion and knowing how good the ‘honeymoon phase felt’ a person may often stay in the relationship in the hope it comes back, perpetuating the cycle of low self-esteem and dependency.
The Crown Prosecution Service in 2023 acknowledged the harmful impact of love bombing, and how it can be used to coerce and control a partner. The guidance on controlling and coercive behaviour and stalking or harassment has been updated and advises prosecutors about the different tactics a suspect can use, including ‘love-bombing’ to confuse the victim and gain more control.
Where to go for support and advice
If you are concerned about your relationship the Student Support team at the University of Bath are here to help. You can confidentially speak to our Student Support Advisers at the Roper Centre, 4 West or by filling in this form. They may refer you to the Sexual Violence and Domestic Abuse Response Service (SVDARS), who provide specialist support and advice on reporting if you have experienced sexual harassment or violence through love bombing or an alternative Student Support team, depending on your needs.
You can also report an incident through the University’s Support and Report tool.
If you are a staff member, you can get further support by contacting your HR Advisor. Health Assured also provides staff members with free, confidential counselling and wellbeing advice.
Other specialist services are available in the UK:
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