The government's valiant attempts last year to build houses on all the country's golf courses in order to solve the housing crisis were eventually stymied in parliament by the self-interest of an über-affluent and over-leisured minority who argued successfully for a continuation of their privileges despite the obvious socially just intentions of the Bill. Undaunted, the government is now proposing to "rewild the golf estate" in its entirety in order to provide carbon sinks and wildlife havens.
Defra has been inspired by the progressive actions of the Chinese government which has already closed 111 of the People's Republic's 683 golf courses in order to curb the environmental impact of what it sees as a decadent bourgeois sport and "green opium".
A UK government spokesperson, Sandy Fitzalan (Tiger) O'Toole (he/her handicap 54) said, "Extensive research shows that the amount of land given over to golf is obscene and decadent in this day and age. And don't get me started on the ecological deserts that most courses represent. This is a real opportunity to strike a blow for biodiversity, make greens really green, and turn clubhouses into vegan cafés and plant nurseries. A further benefit will be to our National Health Service which from now on will need to spend less time and money treating people with bad backs and those traumatised by being hit by golf balls."
The Bill will receive its second reading in parliament next week.
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