My children have grown up and left home. They live a long way away, as in different time zones. This means that even before the pandemic we’ve had the family ritual of the weekly skype call.
This is where I need to confess that for the longest time I have hated these calls.
Not because I don’t love my family – I do. But because of the way that the conversation progresses. One family member, and I won’t say who on personal security grounds… they may come to read this blog… tends to dominate the conversation.
Now I don’t mind that too much. Being an introvert, I am quite content to sit back.
No, the problem lies in their questioning style. I sit there and watch the other family members being peppered with a series of closed questions. When I am at my least resilient, my mind drifts to old war films where the bright light is shone into the eyes of the main protagonist, who is told that “we have ways of making you talk!”
This experience has made me reflect on questions - their purpose and how they can operate in work, as well as at home.
I love an open question. “How”, “what”, “where”, “when” create a space for the other person to express themselves in their own terms. They offer me insights that I might otherwise not have found, and they build relationships.
I try and avoid “why”. It can be quite challenging, sometimes even feeling like an attack, interpreted as getting the other person to justify themselves.
Closed questions, those that come back with “yes” or “no” or some very short response, tend not to be so much fun. They are efficient, though, when you really need to get the key information. I’ve noticed that quite a few of my clinical acquaintances use these questions. I wonder if it is because they need to drill down quickly to a diagnosis in the space of a 5-to-7-minute appointment.
These closed questions can be very powerful under those sorts of circumstances.
So now I am trying to take time to notice the questions I’m using and when. Think about what I am trying to achieve in the conversation and if my questions served those purposes well.
There are some great resources in the Development Toolkit on this topic if you want to consider it more deeply. This article is a good place to start: University of Bath Development Toolkit | Effective Questioning Skills (goodpractice.net)
Why not experiment with different questioning styles and see what happens?
And now, my next challenge is to have a confident conversation with my “closed question” family member. Happily, there is an in-person workshop in the People Management Curriculum for that as well…
Ed Webster, Deputy Director of Workforce Development, Department of Human Resources.
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